MaKeUp MiSsTePs: part one

Chances are, if you're an aspiring actress, you've received an audition notice from your agent for some sort of cheesy infomercial testimonial about the miraculous, age-defying wonders of mystery face cream #678.

The audition notice will indubitably contain two requirements, the first of which states: "MUST HAVE GORGEOUS SKIN!"

So, you take a moment to look at your reflection in the semi-clean spoon with which you're devouring some tasty fat-free pudding.  Hmm.  Gorgeous skin?  You've had a couple good acne-free years here and there, and on certain days you wake up, gaze into the mirror, and think you look fantastic (until you put your glasses on...).  But gorgeous?  The last time anyone called your skin gorgeous was way back when you used to flaunt it--all of it--on top of the dinner table after your nightly bath.  (Mom and Pop used to think it was reeeaaalllll cute...now, however, not so much.)

You begin to wish you were one of those girls whose DNA is made up of Barbie parts and magic silk.  But before you descend into a bout of universe-cursing and sniffly self-loathing, a faint jingle makes its way into your head:

Maybe she's born with it.... Maybe it's Maybelline.

For once, your many years of wasting away in front of the ol' boob tube have paid off.  Of course!  You can hide your numerous facial flaws with a thin coating of foundation and a smattering of powder.  You'll make it look natural, but it won't be.  Muahaha...HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Voila!  Problem solved.  You scroll down in the email, looking for the address to the distant whereabouts of the audition, when you notice the second requirement, which will prove to be much more problematic than the first:

"BE SURE YOUR CLIENT COMES IN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO MAKEUP ON!"

Uh-oh.  This completely flushes your sneaky Maybelline commercial plan down the toilet.  No makeup?!  None whatsoever?!  That's like asking a runner to ace a marathon sans shoes-- s/he can try, but the results ain't gonna be pretty.

My makeup is my shield.  With it on, I can deflect the noxious blows of 104 piping hot chicken nuggets flung my way, or the stinging cuts of 72.8 insults regarding my mediocrity.  But without it???  Face as naked as the day my mama ejected me from her sweet, warm burrow?  I am powerless.  Bare.  Vulnerable.

But yet...

Bold.  Brave.  Confident.  INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!

I mean, if you think about it, it takes a smart and sassy lady to realize she's beautiful without her pesky makeup on, so by my calculations, a lady who shows up to an audition in such a manner = bonus level.

So, what the hell.  You gobble up the last of your pudding and resolve to kick some major ass at this thing, all without the aid of fancy paints and colorful goop.

When audition day arrives, you wake up bright and early, (too bright and too early), then realize you don't need to allot time for the application of makeup, so you do a little in-bed jig and abuse the snooze button for what should be another fifteen minutes but what turns out to be another forty-five.  Whoops.

After a groggy and abbreviated audition prep routine, you check your reflection in the mirror before you head out the door.  Hmm.  You look...nice...but audition nice?  Not so much.  It's more of a socially-introverted-day-at-home-with-instant-mac&cheese look.  Something catches your eye.  It's your makeup bag, lonely and abandoned.  You stare longingly at your old friends: eyeliner pencil and mega-shine lipgloss.  It's tempting, but, you resolve to follow the directions outlined in your audition notice exactly, like the good little muffin that you are.  (Unfortunately.)

On the drive over, you wonder about all the mystical things you might see at this audition.  (After all, a bare-faced dame in Hollywood is quite a rare sight.)  Perhaps your eyes will be greeted with a delightful assortment of warts?  Or a colorful collection of under-eye bags?  Chapped lips...non-existent eyelashes...pimples galore?  The possibilities both frighten and excite you.


to  be continued....