MaKeUp MiSsTePs: part two

continued from previous post...

...Before you know it, you're there.  You take a deep breath and think to yourself how happy you are that you were able to come.  You have a feeling this audition will teach you to not feel so bad about your imperfections and to celebrate the natural woman in all her beauty.   

The door opens, and lo and behold, a room full of...

PERFECTLY GORGEOUS WOMEN?!?!  Great turtle poop!  What is this madness?

Where are all the Plain Janes, ugly ducklings and all-out freaks?!  You check and double check the sign at the door.  You're definitely in the right place...but why don't you look like them?  Are they all simply genetically superior?  Or...

Aha!  You knew it was too bad to be true.  These ladies are wearing MAKEUP!  Well, that's certainly against the rules, isn't it?  No matter how good they look, they most definitely won't fare well in the casting room on account of their lack of direction-following skills--one of the most important things in the biz!

While the other women in the waiting lounge are smiling smugly at you because they know they look prettier, you smile smugly back at them because you know they're not going to get the part.  This smug-off continues until the door to the audition room swings open.  All heads turn to see the results.  If the gal who exits sports a bright beam, she's done well (or is simply an overconfident bimbo).  If she averts her eyes and mutters quietly to herself as she shakes her head, she has most likely performed in a less than stellar manner (or has social anxiety disorder).   

You try your best to suppress your diabolical laughter, though you have a sneaking suspicion that any second now, your less-than-competition will run out, her tears leaving expensive mascara stains down her cheeks as the casting director chases after her, berating her for disobeying orders.

But the lady who walks out does so confidently--with no mascara dribbling down her face.  It could be of the waterproof variety...but then she turns and waves goodbye to the casting director, then, quite happily, flashes her lipgloss-bordered pearly whites to all of us in the waiting lounge.

What the floop?  Is this opposite world?  Makeup at a makeup-less audition = happy fun time instead of self-doubting sorrow time?  As the next delightfully done-up actress enters the audition room, a light bulb goes off in your head.  'No makeup' doesn't really mean no makeup...what it really means is to slather on a sensible, non-slutty amount of face paint.

Good God.  This is worse than the time you ate all those table decorations at that swanky Chinese restaurant (how were you supposed to know they weren't for consumption purposes?).  No matter how much those waiters stared, you kept self-righteously munching away on those hand-carved, artificially-preserved carrot-doves as if they were a rare delicacy.  Likewise, you've been exposing your bare mug to the entire dolled-up population of this waiting lounge as if it were a thing about which to be proud.  Your smugness rapidly melts away and you suddenly feel cold, frightened, and vulnerable to a piping hot chicken nugget attack.

More beautiful girls enter and exit the audition room, and all too soon, you're on deck.  You discreetly turn and face the corner as you squeeze and pat your cheeks and bite your lips in a desperate attempt to bring some color to your pale countenance.  Your name is called and you collect yourself, enter the room, and let your face shine with all its magnificent glory as you smile unnaturally and pretend to massage in mystery face cream #678 in front of four total strangers.  This doesn't feel stupid at all. 

Within a couple minutes, it's all over.  The ever-so-important people in the room thank you and you thank them as well, all properly and cordially, though you're pretty sure you won't get the part because--let's face it--you normally don't, and the fact that you came sans makeup probably didn't help much either.  You could make a pitiful plea to them about how you deserve the part because you're the only one who followed instructions, but that'll just make you seem pathetic and crazy.  Now, you normally wouldn't care if someone thinks you're pathetic and crazy because--let's face it--this is true.  However, around casting directors, an actor must always be on his/her best behavior and leave a sparkling impression, because who knows when they'll think of you and call you in for another audition! (This is pure naïveté; you'll never see these people again.)

So, you exit the room, and when the next batch of auditioners look up and try to read how the audition went by studying your reaction, you throw them off by smiling and looking down and muttering to yourself at the same time. 

As you leave the audition, you convince yourself that your embarrassment was worth it; you've learned a couple of valuable lessons today.  Firstly, in the acting world, 'no makeup' is a myth.  It's best to reserve your bare face for eating nachos at home and sexy time in the dark.  Also, the Scooby Doo in you has discovered the mystery behind mystery face creams: makeup--and a non-slutty amount of it.

So the next time you're at home watching a facial cream infomercial featuring a girl with glowing skin--spare your wallet!  Chances are, she's wearing makeup, and in fact got the part by cheating at her audition.

Home Shopping Network: you won't be getting any more of my hard-earned money!  Hmph.