All right, so you walk into the casting studio, sign in for Room A and go over your lines in your head for the role of "Real Girl #2." A poorly-timed sideways glance at Room B and suddenly your confidence is completely shot, you feel 76 pounds heavier and decide to run to the bathroom to put on another five layers of make-up. It just so happens that auditions for "Perfect 10 Bombshell" are going on right across the way. You know what I'm talking about; girls that'll make your boyfriend wish you were out of town. And it doesn't just apply to us girls. I'm sure there are guys out there who've gone in for the role of "Schlubby Schlub McGee" and have come out a wee bit envious of the bare-chested Calvin Klein underwear models next door.
So, what do you do when your self-worth is dangling on the edge of a cliff with its pinky? The first thing that comes to mind is name-calling. 'Bitch,' 'slut,' and 'two-bit whore,' are a few of my personal faves. But remember, keep it in your head, 'cause those bitches usually have long nails and if they hear you, they WILL scratch.
Once the anger subsides, the next thing you should partake in is some good, old fashioned positive reinforcement. So what if her skin is flawless, she can actually walk in three-inch heels, her hair is silky-smooth and her boobs are the size of your head? You've got personality...and SPUNK! That's important in this town. Your seventh grade history report was displayed prominently in the school cafeteria's "Kids Who'll Go Far" glass case. You got up to a yellow belt in karate. You can leave the house without make-up on and not give a sh*t. You have a high tolerance for alcohol. You graduated college magna cum laude. No one can cook that black pepper macaroni dish like you can. Your nails and hair don't fall off after six weeks and your skin color doesn't wash off after too many showers. You can find something to talk about other than yourself. You know how to work an electric drill and, most importantly of all, your parents actually love you.
Let's face it--you're a winner. Yes, it's normal to want to trade in all of the above for a day in the body of a sex kitten, but no, you really shouldn't do that because a) that would be impossible unless you make a deal with the devil (highly unadvised), b) it would cost a lot of money and c) you're better off the way you are. Someone out there has a mad, raging, unbearably hot crush on you RIGHT NOW. Yes, you, with your crooked nose, your uneven teeth, your pasty skin and your non-fashion sense. So wear your imperfections proudly. It's sexy and it's the only way to live. Stop hiding in the bathroom and show those casting directors how real this Real Girl #2 can get. And if they don't cast you..............well, that's an entirely different post altogether. ;)
