The Waiting Game (worst game EVAR)

As much as I hate sucking @$$ at auditions (which is usually the case), there's one thing I hate even more: doing kinda okay.

Why does doing kinda okay suck way more than completely sucking at an audition?  Because when you do kinda okay, you automatically become a player in this really difficult game called the Waiting Game (think chess and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES combined).  Chances of winning are highly unlikely; it's a big payoff, but, like a down-and-out old beer-bellied gambler, you can waste away your entire life (and life's savings) for a taste of sweet victory.  And, as in the case of a down-and-out old beer-bellied gambler, winning one round of the Waiting Game does not ensure success in subsequent rounds.      

The rules are fairly simple.  Rule #1: Don't f*ck up at your audition.  Rule #2: At the end of your audition, vacate the room with haste before you say something stupid and f*ck it up.  Rule #3: Drive home through bumper to bumper traffic in amazement that you didn't f*ck it up.  Rule #4: Sit and wait for an indeterminate amount of time for that ever-coveted phone call from your agent congratulating you for not f*cking it up and for actually booking something (for once).

And on the game goes.  Weeeeeeeee!!  It's as fun as getting socked in the stomach by an overgrown third grader.

The waiting...the waiting will kill you.  In terms of agony, it ranks just above pining over your current crush and just below waiting to see the results of your latest pregnancy test.  During this dreadful waiting period, you'll find that you've never checked your phone so many times, bitten more nails, or distracted yourself with more generic brand cheese puffs in your life.      

In all these seemingly interminable seconds, minutes, hours and days, concentration and sanity go out the window and a fresh gust of stress rushes in.  What if you get the job but the shoot dates conflict with your schedule?  What if they put you on avail but don't end up using you and in the process prevent you from working on another job?  What if you book the job but then they decide they've made a mistake and send you home paycheck-less?  What if they choose you but then your herpes starts acting up the night before the shoot??? 

There are just way too many things that can go wrong in a situation like this.  You'll soon discover that your entire life's happiness hangs in the balance as you wait for this elusive phone call.  You, my friend, are at a fork in the road.  In most cases, you're waiting for the toll both operator to open the gate arm to one path specifically: the one that leads to fortune, fame, success and all the gourmet quesadillas you could ever want at your fingertips.  The other path requires no toll (except for the one on your mental health) and will take you down a road of desperation, desolation, failure and more Taco Bell quesadillas than you care to digest.

On occasion, however, there are two toll booths guarding two equally desirable paths.  The first will take you down a road of career-boosting excellence, while the second will lead you on a journey of sheer happiness, personal enrichment, and a much-needed break from it all-- i.e. a vacation.  But every actor knows that booking a job and living a non-miserable existence are two mutually exclusive events. 

How old is the universe again?  Like 13.7 billion years or something?  Is that right?  Because it feels more like a 13.7 year old bully who likes screwing with your emotions.

"Aww, poooooor baby.  Been stressed out?  Yeah?  You want some happiness?  You want some?" 

*wags chocolate bar of wonder in your face* 

"Come on, come get it, come get some of this good stuff.  Yeah, that's right, a little closer...a little closer...that's it.  Here you g--OHHHH REJECTED!! GORPGUHKGOOGLUMP!!!" 

*gobbles up chocolate bar like a ravenous beast* 

"HAHAHA!  I EAT YOUR HAPPINESS AND POO IT OUT! ...AND THEN I EAT IT AGAIN BECAUSE I'M SICK LIKE THAT!"  

*burp*

F*cking c*ck tease universe.

In this business, the ability to cancel plans and put life on hold with the snap of a finger is a must.  Do not be caught off guard and do not leave yourself vulnerable to attack or your punishment will be swift and severe.  Phone battery died for five minutes?  Guess what job opportunity you just missed out on!  Scheduled a surgery to get rid of that pesky hemorrhoid?  If you'd kept the hemorrhoid and simply used Preparation H and avoided bowel movements instead, you could've paid rent for a year with a commercial you missed auditioning for while "recovering" (puh! weakling. no pain no gain!). 

An opportunity can rear its slimy little head at any moment and if you're not prepared, you'll surely lose it.  Who knows where you'll be when you receive the call?  At the supermarket?  On the john?  At your wedding???


EXT. BRIGHT HOPE WEDDING CHAPEL - DAY

YOU and your HUSBAND-TO-BE stand nervously at the altar, waiting to be united in matrimonial bliss.  Suddenly, your cell phone vibrates.  You curse yourself under your breath for choosing the wedding dress with pockets.  The MINISTER rambles on as you discreetly hide the phone in your bouquet and answer the call from your overworked, aggressive AGENT.

 YOU

Hello?  Oh hi, Jerry.  Yes, sure, I remember the biggest audition of my life from last week...but, um, I'm kinda in the middle of something here....

AGENT (ON PHONE)

 Good news!  You booked it!  Do you think you can make it to the fitting tomorrow morning at ten? 

You're about to answer no, but your husband-to-be nudges you to pay attention to the oh-so-insignificant thing called a wedding ceremony taking place before you.

MINISTER

Do you take this man to be your--

YOU

(to minister)

I do!!

 AGENT (ON PHONE)

  You do think you can make it to the fitting tomorrow?  Great!

YOU

(flustered; to agent)

No, WAIT!  I meant, I do NOT!

The wedding hall erupts in gasps and murmurs.  Husband-to-be chokes back tears and calls out to you angrily as he flees the altar.

HUSBAND-TO-BE

You wishy-washy bitch!!!

AGENT (ON PHONE)

You're gonna make me alotta money on this one, kid.  We're talkin' big bucks!

YOU

Yeah well, tomorrow morning at ten I was supposed to be en route to my honeymoon, but uh...

(looking around at the angry/shocked faces of everyone around)

Yep.  That's definitely not happening anymore...so let's do this!

The End.

But you're getting ahead of yourself.  Firstly, a wedding implies that there's someone out there who actually wants to marry you. *chuckle*  And secondly, this is assuming you're actually going to receive that all-important call.  Remember, the waiting game does not usually yield winning results.

What will most likely happen is you will go through the five stages of grief:

Stage One: Denial
Psh.  So what if it's been a week and a half?  They're going to call.  They probably just changed the shoot date or something.  Yeah.

Stage Two: Anger
Those thumb-sucking dimwits!!  Why haven't they called yet?  How could they not choose me?!  I did kinda okay at that audition!  GAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Stage Three: Bargaining
Okay universe, I know I've called you names in the past, but if you just let this work out this one time I swear I'll stop wiping my boogers on other people's carpets.  I swear!!!

Stage Four: Depression
*sigh*

Stage Five: Acceptance
Oh god, I'm such a loser. 

 
So, there you have it.  A career in [pseudo-]artistry is akin to a death in the family.  I suppose being a player in the Waiting Game is more exciting than sitting back and watching from the sidelines--but it can drive you mad nonetheless.  So, be sure to divide your eggs amongst numerous baskets (isn't Easter more fun that way?) and to have back-up plans spanning two alphabets.  Because when Plan Z falls through, it's always nice to have Plan Й to fall back on.

Happy gaming! :)