Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh shut up. No I don't. Wait, let me back up. Yes, I do, biotch, but I know you don't really think so. (Not you, the reader...you, the various phonies I've encountered less than four times each now floating around idly in my head.)
What is it about Hollywood that turns people into compulsive liars? Perhaps they feel genuine pity for those they deem less hot/talented/utterlyperfectineveryway than themselves. Perhaps they've learned that sycophancy gets you places, and since you never know which schmuck in this room full of schmucks is the next big writer/director/producer, you might as well suck up to them all. Or, perhaps they honestly meant what they said.
Nah.
I'll admit that I'm a closet pessimist, but I'm really not staring at a half-empty glass here. How can I tell? Choice of adjective. It's always amazing, isn't it?
"Wow, you look amazing tonight!" -skinny bitch with huge tits and negligible waist. Uh, thanks, but I'm pretty sure my mighty locks of frizz and sun-starved skin aren't up to your sleek and sexy standards.
"Your photos look amazing!" -fat pro photographer who works with real models on a daily basis (the kind who indulge in air for midnight snacks and stop traffic with their ferocious faces). Really? Really? My photos are amazing...even this one, with the hint of back fat peeping out the side of my dress? And this one, where I look about as comfortable as a mathlete at a stripping competition?
Hmm. Come to think of it, amazing-itis doesn't stop with just looks.
"You did an amazing job!" -casting director who said the same thing, post-audition, to the over-confident, under-talented performing arts school dropout to my left and who is now enthusiastically ushering me out the door.
I don't get it. Insincerity is oozing out of these people like sap from trees. Why they feel the need to exaggerate is beyond me. What's wrong with just telling the truth, or, if that's too harsh, a watered down, generic brand version of it? It's not that hard. In fact, I'm sure there's some sort of mathematical equation for it. Here:
Blatant Hyperbole - (What They're Really Thinking) = Back-Handed Compliment
So, if we apply this equation to the previous examples, we get:
1. "Wow, you look amazing tonight!" - (Keep trying this hard and maybe one day you'll look half as good as I do, honey) = "Whoa, you look nice! Is that a push-up bra?"
2. "Your photos look amazing!" - (Definitely can't use this sh*t for my portfolio, but maybe she can recommend me to her hot friends) = "These'll look great once I retouch them!"
3. "You did an amazing job!" - (We'll never pick you because you look like a tree frog) = "Okay, thanks for coming in! Good luck with everything!"
See? And I'm not even that good at math.
It'd be nice to think that everything I do is amazing, (and, let's face it, it is...but only in my imagination), but the truth is, if that word isn't coming out of the mouths of my mother, father, or close friends (all of whose jobs require them to butter me up and feed my ego), or someone who's absolutely infatuated with/borderline stalking me, then it's about as believable as a shady porcupine trying to sell me genuine down pillows.
Which would be totally amazing, by the way. But alas, too good to be true.
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